The Worst Day of Our Life…
The moment our world was flipped upside down.
Pictured Jack and I are holding onto a felt bear, one of the many gifts we had received at the hospital following our loss. These bears are made by hand from volunteer mom’s who also experienced a loss.
March 1st 2021 - the day that would change me, and my life for forever.
When I see that phrase, I always used to think “how dramatic… seriously, how could something literally change you and your life for forever?!” I can now say that I truly understand that feeling…
That day started like any other day for me. I got up early and got ready for my work day. Jack, my fiancé, had just gotten back from spending the weekend in Chicago at his brothers wedding the night prior. We were both tired. We stayed up later than usual with our families.. all was well.
That morning when I woke up at 4:40am to my alarm, I was shocked to see that I hadn’t woken up earlier in the night. I hadn’t been able to fully sleep through the night since I was about 20 weeks pregnant.. so realizing that I was actually slept through the night worried me a little, but not enough to warrant a scare. I knew (from what I read, and what I heard from speaking to other moms who have had children) that the baby’s movement varies over time (which I NOW know is completely FALSE). Weston was a creature of habit. He had specific times that he liked to make his presence VERY known. He kicked me earlier in the morning around the time I would have to wake up for work, at 9am when I would do my shots, and then again in the evening before bed. I never once had a hard time getting him to kick, we always were able to get our 10 kicks in an hours time, like we should. I ignored my small hint of worry and went about my day, thinking that I’m just being paranoid….
When 9am came, and I went to give myself my shot, Weston didn’t kick me like he usually would after the fact. More worry hit me. I texted Jack and told him I was worried, Wes didn’t kick like he usually did. Jack being the more optimistic one, reassured me that it was probably nothing, and to not worry. Me being the worry ward I was throughout the entire pregnancy, thought that he was right, I was just being paranoid.
Another hour passed, and I still didn’t notice any sort of movement, at this point, I figured it was best to call the nurse at the doctors office and see what they suggested I do. The nurse said “don’t worry too much sweetie, he’s probably just being a little tough one. Drink some juice, and since you can’t lay on your side, try sitting in a quiet place, and look for movement. If nothing, its probably best to go to the emergency room.” So, that’s exactly what I did. I drank some cold orange juice and tried to sit there and check for movement. I was so anxious at that point, I just wanted Wes to move. I sat there and poked at my belly, a few times and noticed small movements. That gave me a sense of relief, like maybe he was being a little stinker like the nurse said…
Another hour had passed, and I realized that I hadn’t felt any sort of hard distinct movement, other then the small movement I got when I poked my belly, the hour prior. I thought, well I havent ate anything all day, maybe I should try some food. When I sat down to eat my chicken tenders, I had one bite, and knew in my heart that something was truly wrong at this point.
I called Jack, trying to stay calm and not worry him.. and told him that I was going to drive to the hospital, just to check to make sure that Weston was good. On my long walk to the my car, I remember praying that he would be okay. Asking God to just prove to me that I was indeed just paranoid, that everything was fine.
When I got to the hospital, the nurse took me back and immediately looked for his heartbeat. She put the Doppler on the same spot the doctor did the week prior, and silence. The bottom half of her face was covered with a mask, but her eyes confirmed my worst fear. She was still pressing around my belly, searching for his heartbeat, when I started crying. The US tech came shortly after, and looked at me with teared filled eyes, and said “I am so sorry.”
I screamed.
I screamed, pushed the nurses hands off of me…
WHY!? WHY?!? What did I do?!?! He was moving yesterday! YOU’RE WRONG!
I was hysterical, in disbelief, and shock.
What did I do?