O N E
When I found out you were going to be a spring baby, I was so excited. I imagined that by your first birthday we’d be celebrating at a park, you trying to walk on the freshly cut grass, covered In grass stains from the attempts, being passed around by all of our family to be held. I imagined you only eating the frosting on your cake, because that’s the best part right? I was so eager to make each one of your birthdays memorable.
I had a dream about your birthday at the park. It was exactly how I always imagined it. It was a warm sunny day, with a cool breeze. We sang, ate cake, opened presents, and watched you play.
Then the sky turned gray- the spring showers getting ready to shower the flowers and that’s when everyone started to leave. Including you. That’s when I realized it was a dream. My eyes getting glassy, I whispered for you to stay but I blinked and you were gone.
Just like that- you were gone.
I was living in that dream. I felt happy like the happy I knew before we lost you. I felt peaceful, how I imagine I would feel if you were here. I felt whole again.
Instead today, we spent your birthday at the beach, a place I always think of when I think of you because it’s so peaceful. That’s exactly how you looked when I got to hold you for the first time one year ago- peaceful. Today was nothing like I imagined your first birthday to be, it was nothing like how I wanted your first birthday to be. Daddy, Puppy and I together watching the waves meet the sand, talking, crying, laughing about who we think you’d be. We bought you a cake and sang to you. We bought you a present, something we think you would of loved. I wrapped it and put it in your closet. Maybe one day I’ll feel the need to open it, or maybe I won’t but it’s there for you.
How has a year gone by? It feels like yesterday that I found out I lost you, and it feels like I just had you. It’s not fair Wes. It’s not fair that it feels this way. It’s not fair that we’re here and you’re not. I will always wish for you to be here.
I feel you with me Wes, sprinkling those pockets of peace more often. Probably because you know I need it a little more this week. God knows I need I need the strength a little more right now.
I cried so much today- this week. I’m envious of the parents that don’t know this pain.. Wes. Who get to celebrate their children’s birthdays joyfully. I want so badly to be a parent that gets to celebrate happily… I don’t think they realize how truly lucky they are… God I wish we were that lucky.
Your birthday is such a special day, and the heaviest day my broken heart holds. I’m so sorry I’m not as happy as I want to be for you today but because of you, I hug daddy a little tighter and I smother puppy with more love than he can bear. He really hates the smothering, but he lets me. I think he knows it helps me feel better, who knows but thats what I like to think.
You are ours and many others reminder that life is SO precious.
My heart hurts. My heart hurts so much more today, but I know you feel our love and are wiping our tears away as best as you can. Keep sending us signs. Keep sprinkling pockets of peace. Continue to give us the courage and strength to keep going.
Happy 1st Birthday my sweet Weston 🤍
I love you so much + miss you SO much more.